Non sum qualis eram

I’ve been absent for a while.  What can I say, I crashed a bit.

About a month and a half ago, my ex, I’ll call her B, felt weak and went into the hospital.  I took the kids for 3 long weekends in a row, to help her recuperate.  It’s 5 hour round trip to get them every weekend and 5 hour round trip to return them.  Somewhere along the line, I let myself dip down to around 600 calories a day.  Not good.

Then two weeks ago, B flat out passed out at work.  It turns out it was a heart attack and they had to put in a pace maker.  I’ve been working 11 hour days and keeping the kids full time ever since.  JT, my son, is going back this weekend.  He’s really missing his friends from school.  Luckily, it’s pre-school so he should be okay after 2 weeks off.  I’m going to have the girls for another week.  I’ve tried explaining it to them.  I think they’ve got most of it, at least as much as a 2,3 and 4 year old can.

Needless to say, I’m pretty worn out most of the time.  This is exactly why I didn’t get into a custody fight over the kids.  I’m doing the best that I can, but they are spending all day in daycare.  That’s costing me an arm and a leg in itself.  At night it’s supper and baths and laundry and dishes…  It’s pretty much what I expected.  I can do it.  It’s just that that’s all I can do.  Tuck them into bed and then finish my chores and then crash hard.  There’ve been a couple days this week that I’ve only gotten 3 hours of sleep.  I am basically surviving at the moment.

The company we supply parts for.  The one that usually shuts down for 3 months or more a year?  The one that was only going to shut down for 6 weeks this year?  Well, that 6 weeks is here and it turns out they aren’t going to shut down at all.  That means that I’m prolly gonna stay on 11 and 12 hour days plus Saturdays for the next year.  Oh well, I can always hope for next spring.

I haven’t weighed myself, but I’ll guarantee I’m up again.

The heart attack thing kind of threw me.  It really shouldn’t have.

My ex had a gastric bypass about a year ago.  The way it works is that you start out with a new 2oz tummy. You’re supposed to work up your meal sizes until you can fit an actual (6-8 ozs) meal in your new tummy.  You also have to be very very particular about what you put in it.  Get a piece of gum stuck in there and they might have to cut it out.  Fill it with high sugar foods and you will puke it out and then dry heave for an hour.  You’ve gotta take the right supplements and push protein.  I think she took it as an excuse to pretty much quit eating.  She lost 190pounds within 11months.  There is no way she was keeping up on her protein or much of anything else.  Add to that the fact that she decided become a single mom and take up drinking as a hobby… yeah, something hadda go.  I just hope this is the wake up call that she needed.

On the up side, I bought a new treadmill.  It’s kinda nice.  It’s limit is well above my weight limit and it can go up to 12mph.  It’s also a lot quieter with better shock absorption.  Basically, I can run on it and I don’t have to worry about it dieing anytime soon and pitching me forward like the last one.  (It weighs 300#s and I lugged it into the house myself.  I earned this!)

One more week with the girls and then I’m going to hit it hard.  I’m just gonna finish this out first.

I tried out the indoor track thingie.  I’m glad I made it bigger.  11 laps is 1/5 of a mile.  So, I broke it down by fifths.

ran 1/5.  walked 2/5.  ran 1/5. walked 1/5.  ran 1/5. walked 1/5. and then ran a lap just to prove I could do it.

Grand total.  3/5th of a mile running.  4/5th of a mile walking.  1 2/5th miles total.  I’m gonna finish out Thurday and

Friday to get a base line.  Then I’m gonna try to do it rested on Saturday or Sunday to see what I can do total.  Last time I

did any running was in high school.  That was about 18 years ago and I wasn’t too good at it then.

I rewarded myself with a diet caffeine free pepsi…  I don’t think I’m gonna finish it.  ugh!

I think that’s part of my motivation for now.  I’d really like to be able to get out and run this spring.  I’ve always

dreamed about it but just never really took it seriously.  I’m gonna need better shoes.  Anyone know where to find size 11

double wides?  Dang hobbits feet.

On the motivation front, I’m working on a new paradigm. (big word, huh?) Basically, there are negative motivators and

positive motivators.  A positive motivator works to reach goals.  A negative motivator busts butt to keep his tail out a

sling.  Think.  Do you get all motivated after a weigh-in or before one?  Are you really trying to have a good weigh-in or

avoid having a bad one.  Most people like to think they’re positive motivators, but they’re not.  I’m definitely not.  I’m

definitely a negative motivator.  Therefore, I need to figure out what bogeyman is gonna get me running.

This is what I’m working on.  It may not be all technically correct, but this is motivation not brain surgery.

Your body is like an engine.  It’s constantly burning fuel/fat.  If you hustle, your metabolism kicks into high gear and you

burn faster.  Crash in front of the boob tube and it burns slower.  It’s still burning fat, but it just takes longer.

Don’t eat anything or eat too little and the engine sputters and runs less efficiently.  Again it still burns, but it takes

longer.  Eat too much or eat the wrong food and the engine revs, but it burns the new easy fuel instead of the fat you’re

wanting to burn.  Eventually you’ll get back to burning the fat you want, but like any overworked engine you can expect it to

run less efficiently until it gets back on track.  Wasted time burning all of that easy fuel and then more while your

crashing from the easy fuel (sugar).

What I’m getting at is that I’m gonna be 36 this year.  Not old by a long shot, but old enough that I’m finally starting to

see the white hairs.  I’ve been fat for almost my whole life.  I don’t like it, but it doesn’t scare me.  I’m just starting

to sense my mortality.  That scares the bejiminies out of me.  There are soooo many things I want to do and the clock is

ticking.

I have a good metabolism.  If I have a bad day, I can play catch up.  It’s just gonna take a few days, a week on the outside.

Do it enough and I’ll be blogging this at 70.  Actually, do it enough and I may not be healthy enough to make 70.

Sorry if this sounds so pessimistic, but I am officially prepared to do whatever it takes at this point.

So, eat to fuel the engine.  Push it hard.  Keep it stoked.

Kevin

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

It’s waaay too early in the year to be coming down with the winter blahs. I was bad today. No, I didn’t cannibalize a small village of pygmies. I just ate some stuff I shouldn’t have. Luckily I stopped at somewhere near a normal human level. My record from back in the day was a large pizza hut pizza, a medium one and a family order of cheese sticks. I’m not bragging, but I’m also not exaggerating. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly that bad.

So anyway. I ate too much and the scales say I gained like 5 pounds. I’m used to it by now. If I’m good, I can still salvage the week. I am just so unmotivated it isn’t funny.

I blame it on the short winter days and the long work days. The math is simple. 12 hours at work. 1 hour worth of driving total (there and back). Half hour to get ready in the morning. Half hour to get showered and cleaned up when I get home. That’s (drum roll please) 14 hours right there. Theoretically, I should be getting 8 hours of sleep. That’s (massive drum roll here) 22 hours. Even more theoretically, I should come home and get cleaned up and then be in bed 2 hours after that. I shouldn’t be eating anything by the time I get home.

Ordinarily, we have our busy season of 5-7 months. It starts at 10 hour days and peaks at the 12’s. and then goes away for a while. USUALLY, I mostly work 10 hour days. Not since the divorce, though. It’s like somebody hit a switch and the overtime just started to flow. It’s been a pretty solid 6 months of 12’s with only one week of 11 hour days to break the pattern. Now word has come down that our off season may only last a month. That could mean a month of 10’s or so in a year of 12’s. Ugh!

Ordinarily I just push my way through the busy months, but that ain’t gonna cut it for a full year to 18 months. I’ve simply got to come up with a new plan.

In good news, I moved furniture around and added to my inside “track”. Now it’s only 55 laps to the mile which is good. I’m just too tired to try to count to 90. =)

Non sum qualis eram

Kevin

“Non sum qualis eram”, Latin for “I am not as I was”  I found that on the interweb and it pretty much describes me these days.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  What I was is what got me where I am today.  It’s kind of a day to day realization of who I am and what I am these days.  That’s the bs I need to figure out before I’m gonna find my motivation.  The one that works at both 10am and 10pm and every other hour of the day.

In that vein, I decided to make a few more changes.  I updated my myspace.  I mainly use it for the messenger.  I also went back and removed a lot of blogging about my ex.  I’m gonna let it go.  Time to just let it go.

I had the kids this weekend and she decided to visit friends this weekend.  So, I let her have the couch again.  It went pretty well.  I’ve decided that’s prolly not a bad thing.  We’re both definitely becoming our own person.  We still tend to think of the same things at the same time and we can still usually finish each other’s sentences.  It’s just becoming more and more obvious that we’re through.  I just can’t imagine being married to her at this point.  I’m not sure where I’m headed in this world, but I ain’t a gonna get there with her.

Last week, I found out some interesting news at work.  Usually the company we subcontract for switches their line from one product to another every 6 months or so.  We contract for one product but not so much for the other.  That means an insane 6-7 months followed by a slow period during the spring and summer.  It’s not a bad situation.  Problem is that they’re only gonna switch to the other product for about a month and a half this year.  Since there’s an inventory ramp up and down involved…  Basically, I may be at 11 or 12 hours for most of the next year.  I’ve now had 6 Saturdays off in the last 6 months.  I may not get that many more in the next 6 months.  :0  It’s either an opportunity or an open ended ticket to h**l.  I’m trying to look at the positive side of it.  I could (in theory) make more money this year than in any other year so far.  That’s a heck of a stake in a new life if I survive it. 

I’m still counting calories and struggling to keep motivated.  By the time I have a chance to get on here in the evening, I’m pretty much worn out.

Spring is coming.

Kevin

It’s been a rough week.   Again, it’s not  like I’m eating everything under the sun.  It’s just that I’m off plan and eating the wrong things at the wrong times.  I’m getting energy surges and energy lulls.  I’ve gotta deal with the ex tomorrow and I’ll have the kids this weekend.  The kids part is good.  I miss em like crazy.

I miss my treadmill.  I just think an elliptical would be much better for me.  I was just getting to the point where I was wanting to start running a little bit.  At my size, that’s gonna tear up the best treadmill.  Not being negative, I’m just being realistic.  An elliptical would work different muscle groups and I could always just go outside for the walking.  Well, once it gets back up closer to freezing or maybe just a little above.  =)

So, I can either buy from a small selection of ellipticals at my current weight or lose 20 pounds and buy from a much bigger range.  I’ve decided to make it a goal/reward thing.  Lose the weight and I get a new toy.  Yay!

So, current plan.  I’ve measured out a path through the house.  It’s not a huge one but it’ll do.  One time through and back is a lap.  Ninety-one laps (if I measured it right) is a mile.  I’ve gotta go over my numbers again, but it’ll do for now.

This is where the kids are gonna come in handy.  One of their favorite games has always been running in the house with Dad.  We used to play it in the toy room.( It’s bigger, but it’s also still storage for now.)  We go 1-2-3 and run, run, run to the end.  I make a huge presentation about it and then take off back when they aren’t looking.  Yeah, I play dirty.  Most of the time we end up in a pile on the floor.  I play real dirty sometimes and tackle them.  (Important Dad tip:  Kids love body slams and helicopter spins.  Yeah, they laugh and giggle.  But, I assure you, those are the laughter of fear and giggles of respect! )

I just remeasured.  It’s a go.  I really doubt I’m gonna do a mile with the rugrats.  These things tend to degenerate into a free for all.  Little savages aren’t called ankle biters for nothin’!

It’s gonna be a good year.  honest.

Kevin

I went off plan today.  It’s not that I ate too much.  I just went way off plan and ate a lot different than I’d planned.  Due to my job, I generally try to get to bed sometime between 8-10, depending how I feel.  Then I’m up at 3:45 am ready to start the day.  Well, last night I decided to have insomnia.  I finally crashed at 1am.  Then to add to it, I managed to sleep for 12 hours when I did go to sleep.  I think I just needed to crash, but that meant half the day was wasted by the time I did get up.  Without caffeine, I didn’t manage to really get up and showered until almost 3pm!  Now it’s 9pm (just 6 hours later)  and I’m tired again.  I think I’m gonna go ahead and try to crash again. (back in the bedroom, at least.)  I don’t think I’m sick or anything.  The exhaustion and everything is just hitting home all at once.

I still haven’t figured out the whole “what’s gonna motivate me” thing.  I’m still mostly writing down what I’m gonna do and then kinda doing it.  I decided to raise my mini-goal.  What happened was that after the divorce, I quite sleeping and eating for the most part.  I dropped from 300 down to 275 fairly quickly.  Then I went through a stage where I quickly ballooned up to the 315 I started over at.  I was working under the delusion that for some reason I’d be able to drop back to 275 quickly again.  Well, all of that early adrenaline is loooong gone.  So, 280 is a much better mini goal.  It’s only 5 pounds difference, but psychologically it’s huge.

I got 90% of what I wanted to do done around the house done.  Now, I just need to do laundry, dishes and picking up.  Living the bachelor lifestyle, I generally pick up things as I put them down.  Wash dishes as you go.  That kinda thing.  I’ve got a laundry room and a dishwasher.  So, I’d say I’ve done most of what I needed to get done.  The 10% I haven’t done is all the stuff having to do with the kids.  Things are kinda hitting home again so I’m just not up to that right now.  I’ll see them again in 5 days.

Hate to say it but I think I’m gonna knock off.  I’m exhausted again.

Kevin

I’m easing into the bike.  The first 5 minutes on it I got a charlie horse.  So’s I did the 30 minutes today, but I definitely dogged it a bit.  I’m still sore.  I got a lot of other things done.

I disassembled the treadmill of doom and turned the fancy tv back into a tv.  The bike’s a lot quieter and there’s no place for the mouse or keyboard.  So, the tv works out a lot better.  That just meant going back to the old monitor.  I never thought a 19″ monitor could look so small!

The big decision was to take the house back.  More old business.  The first thing I did after the breakup was to close off half the house.  I open the door to the kids’ rooms when they’re here.  Otherwise, I generally leave them shut off.  I check them out after I take them back and then give them a once over before they come back– sheets and stuff.  The other rooms were pretty much storage.  The stuff she left.  I really converted the place into an apartment.  Those days are coming to and end.

Tonight I cleared out our old bedroom.  I’m planning on moving back in this weekend.  I converted the living room into my current bedroom.  It’s kind of grandiose having this huge room as a bedroom.  I just finally realized that I kind of hide out in here unless the kids are home.  That ain’t exactly healthy.  ‘Sides, I’m not paying this mortgage just to have an efficiency apartment.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go work on the kitchen.  I’ve been storing the new canned goods on the counter.  About 3 or 4 months ago I wrote a blog on my myspace about how I had no idea what was in my cupboards.  It was just the stuff she left in them.   Tomorrow night I’m gonna take care of that.

My final goal is to have gone through every cupboard and closet in this place by Sunday.  Sunday is my day off.   Except for the bike, of course!  Then Monday I’m gonna start in on the New Business.   It’s no wonder I’ve been fighting with motivation.  I can’t really move forward until I get all the old stuff taken care of.

I’m feeling motivated.

Kevin

Ok, so I spent today debating whether or not to pick up a cheap exercise bike.   I figured that I wanted to get out on the bike this spring and that’s a whole different muscle group.  My main debate was whether or not that was gonna mess up the progress on the treadmill.  I’m doing 3-4 miles a night.  I should say I WAS doing 3-4 miles a night.  I got 3/4 of a mile in tonight and it felt like the belt slipped.  I almost fell forward face first.  Luckily I caught the handrails in time.  I took it apart and tightened the belt.  Another .1 miles and again I almost pitched forward.  This time I had the cover off so I could see it was the motor and not the belt.  Oh well, treadmill’s over 5 years old and I’m 50# over the weight limit anyway.  It was just a matter of time.  I was kinda hoping to lose the 50# before it crashed, though.

So, I made a command decision and changed from workout clothes to street clothes and went shopping.  Shopping around here meant going 10 miles to the local Wal-Mart.  They had 3 styles of elliptical and 2 treadmills.  I decided not to get any though.  I’m still 50# over the ellipticals they had and 25# over the highest rated treadmill they had.  What’s the point of spending that kind of money if I’m just gonna tear it up anyway?  I’ll look around and find a better one, or I’ll shrink until I can get one without tearing it up.

Another command decision later I ended up walking out with the $90 exercise bike.  It’ll keep me moving until I decide what else I’m doing.  I really like the looks of the ellipticals.  They’re supposed to be a lot lower impact.  When your built on my scale, that’s a major factor.  Now I just need to find one built for my size that’s affordable.  I am sooo gonna miss the treadmill, though .  Oh well, I’ve gotta keep it around until I figure out what to do with the computer.  I literally can not use  see the monitor without standing on it unless I crane my neck upwards.

I think it’s time for a change anyway.  I mean, I’ve been pushing and the weight hasn’t been exactly melting off.  I got a recumbent bike so it’s gonna be lower impact.  It’s also gonna work an entirely different muscle group.  The charlie horse I got the first time I used it prolly means it’s a good thing I’m starting on it.  Obviously some muscles I haven’t been using.

Again, everything’s coming up Milhouse.

I’m actually kinda surprised I just didn’t give up and just watch tv and eat.  I’m beat.   So g’nite.  Sleep tight.  Don’t let the bed bugs bite.  (That last parts my Jenna’s favorite part.)

Kevin

I finally found the forums.  They were a good read.  I did 4 miles tonight on the treadmill.  I was feeling bummed out until then.  Somewhere after the 2nd mile the endorphins kicked in.  I’m feelin’ pretty good.  Funny thing is that I’ve done at least 3 miles a night all last week.  I wake up feeling a little sore, but then I go to work and stand for most of 12 hours and don’t have any problems.  Within a half hour of waking, the soreness gets shaken off and I’m feeling fine.  I’ve added supplemental protein shakes twice a day with some glutamine thrown in.  That’s gotta be what’s makin’ the difference.  Oh well, whatever!  I’ll take it.

When I’m at work I usually end up with time to think.  Prolly too much time.  This week I started thinking about the two times in my adult life that I took off most of the weight.  Both times I think it took me by surprise.  At the 300# mark, 5 pounds doesn’t show much.  Loose clothes hide most of it anyway.  At the 200# mark, 2 pounds can make a huge difference in your appearance.  Months and months of hard work and people “suddenly” see a new you after a couple pounds.  It’s like being thrust into a new world overnight.  At least, that’s the way it felt for me.

To be honest, I learned both times that I’d gotten “thin” from my female friends.  Suddenly their boyfriends became awfully nervous about me hanging out with them so much.   I went through school with 2 of my sisters.  I always had a lot of female friends.  Suddenly in college, 3 of my friends just up and stopped walking from class to class with me.  I mean, we had the SAME classes.  Luckily, Amy told me what was up.  I really didn’t have a clue.  The second time it was making the mistake of ending up drunk an alone with my best friend’s wife.  It had never been a problem until then.  Suddenly she decided to make things very, very awkward.   I did the right thing and got out of Dodge.  Looking back, I think he must’ve heard a different story about it.   It would explain a lot.

The two things I remember liking best from back then were clothes and sports.

Mens’ jeans operate under the clown pants theory when you get into the plus sizes.  I mean literally, they’re designed for suspenders or something.  The only way to get ones that work is to either buy them tight around the waist or belt em tight. Otherwise, it’s the old keep pulling your pants up thing that everybody hates.  Somewhere around 38’s jeans start getting tailored to fit better.  Instead of your waist holding them up, they kinda curve and get held up by your behind.  Sounds weird and I know I’m not getting it quite right, but that’s what it feels like.  When you hate your gut anyway, the last thing you need is to have to cinch your pants up around your waist.  The smaller sizes get to the point where it doesn’t even feel like your wearing jeans.  I miss that.

The other thing is just being able to run around and act like an idiot.  Calling it playing sports is kinda over glamorizing the whole thing.  Basketball and frizbee were awesome.   Racquetball was my favorite game of choice.   Tennis was okay, but racquetball was just such an outlet for all of my aggression.  Hit a tennis ball like that and it’s out of bounds every time.  Heck, usually it was out of the courts.

Ah… I will run again.

Kevin