Non sum qualis eram

First off, goal for the weekend is not to bounce.  I keep putting weight on and then taking it back off over the course of the week.  Not gonna do it!

I had a pretty good day.  I think I’m finally finding my motivation and my weight loss stride.  Today wasn’t so much a diet as that I didn’t feel like eating a bunch.  Only tempting part was when I picked up the kids and had to get them McDonalds on the way home.  (yah, yah!  I know it’s bad for them.  The rest of the weekend, it’s fruits for snacks and healthy meals.  I promise.)  I was soooo tempted.  Considering that McDonalds even puts beef in their french fries, though, I avoided it and waited until I got home.  Yay team!

I’ve got a busy weekend planned with them so I will not be on much.  I don’t post in the forums, but I DO read them.  I promise.  I’ve gotta get on the treadmill now.  If I drag butt too much longer I wont do it.  I’m gonna be up half the night as it is afterwards, but I really have to use this motivation while I have it.  It’s the strangest thing.  Once upon a time I actually just had better things to do than eat.  I actually WANT to do the treadmill right now.  I hope this lasts.

The rest of this is something I’ve been working on in a text file.  I’m copy and pasting it.  It’s a list of my goals and why they’re my goals.  My motivation at work.

I’ve lost some of the weight many, many times.  I’ve most of it a few times.  I’ve lost most of it twice.  This is from what I remember.

300 pounds:  Unnacceptable.  Basically my current weight give or take.  I honestly believe in my heart of hearts I’m not gonna make 40 at this weight.  Tieing my shoes takes longer than it should and all kinds of other goodies too.  This is my unnacceptable weight.  The 3’s gotta go and they ain’t a coming back.  Right now my back hurts at the end of the day.  I’m careful.  If I wasn’t I imagine I could get laid up pretty quick.  I think the whole belly to butt ratio is off and when I lift things it really pulls on my back.  Even a few pounds at this point is noticable on my face.  Between the goat and a practically mutant underbite  any double chin is covered easily.  Down a pant size around 295 or so, but I’m so pudgy and wiggly that it really doesn’t matter so much.   (42)

275 pounds:Human.  This is bad but honest.  This is the weight I remember actually being comfortable in public at.  Literally, this is the weight where I feel like I rejoin the human race.  Most of the weight until this point comes straight of my belly.  The back pain goes away at this point unless I’m stupid and actually lift wrong or overdo it.  My stomach is usually very sore by this point.  I think that’s from it going from an outie to and innie.  I’m assuming that means that I’ve lost some visceral fat at this point.  I think these are the most critical pound for my health.  Down a pant size between 275 and 270.  (40)

250 pounds:Shoulda been/Grandbabies.  This should have been my top weight.  I never shoulda went over it.  My gut (and it is a truly impressive gut) instinct is that this is the weight that I’m gonna need to achieve if I wanna actually know my grandbabies.  Heart disease runs rampant in my family and most of the ones I know about weren’t all that overweight.  Somewhere between 275 and 250 the weight shifts to a more overall rather than localized loss.  It makes it hard to spot the difference but looks a lot better.  Until now, it kinda looks like I could just be sucking it all in.  Again, down a pant size right under 250.  (38)

230 pounds:Living.  I could happily live at 230.  It’s a lot, but my frame can support it.  With the job and all I actually carry quite a bit of muscle.  This is the weight where I seem to get accepted into the human race by most people.  I am hefty or big, but (at least in the midwest) no longer considered fat by most people.  My confidence kicks in under 230 and I find myself socializing a lot more.  This is the weight where I’ve had the most fun at.  Both times I made it this far, though, I wasn’t ready for the attention and suddenly having to deal with the attention.  Another pants size at around 225.  Pants start to feel tight in the thighs or buttocks rather than the waist. (36)

215 pounds:Here there be dragons.  My jaw gets kinda angular.  It finally starts to show in my legs.  Changes in clothing size are erratic.  If the weight comes off the thighs or buttocks, then I drop a pants size.  If it comes off the chest I go down a shirt size.  Moobs are a MAJOR concern at this point!  I have made it down to 205 once.  I did it the wrong way and just didn’t feel good.  I was dumped unceremoiniously and things basically fell apart.  I really have no clue what to expect at this point.  Of course, I wasn’t keeping up on my nutrition.  I’m gonna have to figure out what I’m doing at this point.  I look forward to worrying about it!  =)   (34?  I’m assuming, but I never actually bought them.  I was occupied.)

200 pounds:  Impossible.  Deep in my heart I know that I just can’t break 200.  That’s exactly why I intend to.  Beyond that,  I really don’t know or care.  Like I said, at this point I’d be happy with 230.

Anything is possible.

Been a weird couple days.  I didn’t blog yesterday.  I had a rotten day.  The day was okay.  I just felt rotten.  I know weight loss and mood swings go hand in hand but this was a doozy!  The kids come home tomorrow and I’m getting edgy.  This four days a month bs isn’t getting any easier.

I stuck with the diet.  I ended up not eating enough in the morning and eating too much a night.  The scale seems to think it worked out okay, though.  I’ll take it.  Down 1.  I think it was the stress.

Today started just as bad.  I was mega stressing by 5:30am.  Nothing good ever comes of any thought that involves “fair” or “shoulda”.  Just a recipe for disaster.  Somewhere during this looooong day I came up with the brilliant idea that I was gonna drive back to my home town and drive by the ex ex’s house.  Nothing creepy, just curiosity.  Basically turn left out of work and go 35 miles the wrong direction.

I ended up driving back to Ottumwa.  I’m proud to say that I didn’t go driving past anybody’s house.  (I still think it’d be the totally natural thing to do.)  Instead I stopped by and saw my Grandma and then driving around for a bit.  The town is barely recognizable as the one I grew up in.  I imagine everybody goes through that.  Things change.  I’ve changed.

Then the strangeness went to into overdrive.  I stopped for gas.  I intentionally went to a strange part of town.  I’m filling the van when an suv pulls up.  I recognized the ponytail for some reason.  Eleven (Twelve?) years later and I actually spotted her hair from across a parking lot.

Filled the tank and went in.  Gotta pay for the stuff.

I’m like 99% sure it was her.  She was actually wearing a long sleeve t-shirt that she used to wear back in the day.  Finally, I’m behind her in the line and she pays for the stuff.  Donuts and junk for her kids.  Really, who am I to judge?  Then she turns and I get the blankest most familiar look ever.  I’m not sure she had a clue what to make of this.  We both look different but I got a definite reaction.  She was all broke out and wasn’t wearing make-up.  I never did care.  I’m sure she was mortified.  On top of that, she never could stand it when something happens and she loses control.

So anyways, she shuffles out with the kids.  I figure I’ll wait until she pulls out, purely out of politeness.  Poor woman looked just plain confused.  After a couple minutes, I figure out that she’s not gonna pull out.  Bamm!  Eleven years and I still know this woman.  She’s still not sure what to make of the whole thing and she’s gonna wait to make sure.  So, I break down and give her her show.  I walk over and  get in the van and take my time about it.  She finally pulls out.  Unfortunately she turns the same way I’m going, so I wait for a couple minutes.  I did the right thing and didn’t go looking for her.  I’m not gonna let her get the wrong idea.  Like I said, NOT CREEPY!

I have no clue why this makes me happy.  Closure, I guess.  I have no idea what I expected.  More animosity, maybe?  I just feel better.  I’ve been curious.  I had an itch I just couldn’t scratch and God threw me a bone.  I’m not dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I’ll take it.

My only regret is that I’m not about a hundred pounds lighter.  I will be, though. Then I think I’m gonna go for another drive.  Maybe this time I’ll say “hi”.  We were friends once upon a time.  We shoulda just stayed friends, though.  I was the dumb*** who fell in love.  Lady’s got issues.

Of course there is also like a 1% chance that it was just a woman that looked like 99% like her.  In which case the look was just some poor lady being creeped out by me.  She could of been sitting in her car cell phone clutched in hand waiting to see whether or not she was gonna have to dial 911 and then quite likely did when I pulled out in the same direction as her…

Naaa.  99% sure it was her.

I was planning on drivethru.  Instead I waited until I got home and ate salad.  Quick protein shake before bed and I’m on track for the day.  No treadmill, but I think sleep is more important at this point.  Quick 11 hour day tomorrow and then the babies are coming home!!!

Prolly 99% nuts at this point,
Kevin

Finished the lawn with the push mower.  It’s better exercise anyway.  I win.

I’ve let 300# become some kind of mental block.  So my goal for the week is to hit my first mini goal, 299#.  I just wanna leave the 300#s behind.  Mark it up as a chapter of my life that I never should have let happen in the first place.  I’m getting ahead of myself I know but I’m already trying to think of how far I want to set the next mini goal.  10# would be safest but I’d love to go for 20#.  Oh well, gotta get there first.

I guess I jumped the gun.  This is the kind of luck I’ve been having.

It’s supposed to rain for the rest of the week.  Between work and having the kids this weekend, this is probably my last chance to mow for the week.  Okies, no problem.  I just need to get gas for the thing.

The van’s low on gas.  I can’t see the purpose of filling the van and then turning around and going back to the station to fill the gas can.  So, I push it a little.  I come home after work (about 30miles) and grab the gas can.  Okay, I know the only station in town is getting new pumps installed.  No problem, there are two gas stations on the interstate outside of town.  One of them keeps weird hours but the other one is 24 hours and has pay at the pump.  Turns out that some time in the 2 months since I got gas there that both of them shut down.  COMPLETELY shut down.

I get to choose between 8 miles on the highway or 8 miles interstate to get to the nearest towns.  I chose highway.  Last thing I need at this point is bumper to bumper five pm traffic on the interstate.

I make it home and fire up the mower.  Things are going swimmingly.  Neighbors dog is yapping at me.  Thing hates me even though I’ve never been anything but nice to her.  I think she thinks that I’m hurting the kids whenever I wrestle with them.  I honestly think that’s what it is.  No matter lawn is getting mowed.  Then… fap, fap, fap…  somethings hitting in the mower.  Pieces of the belt start flying out like little pieces of fluff and then the rest of the belt goes flying by!

I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and supper is in the oven.  It’s healthy.  I’ll finish the lawn next week.

Finally!  Ever since the break up nothing has gone right.  I mean NOTHING.  Last week the window on the van cracked.  How?  We’ll never know.  It was parked at work facing a wide open field.  I sat in it at lunch and when I came back two and half hours later it was cracked.  The way the parking lot is set up, someone would’ve seen if anyone did it.  Best I can figure is that it’s collateral from the two deer I’ve hit since the break up.  Maybe some kind of chip along the edge that cracked in the sun.  Mebbe it’s just the bad mojo.  I don’t know.  That’s just the luck I’ve been having.   Just dunno.

After the breakup, one of the first things I did was try and look up the ex ex.  The girl I was engaged to like 12 years ago.  No luck.  She dropped off the face of the Earth!  I’m not looking to “look her up” or anything.  That one ended for a whoooole lot of good reasons.  I was just curious how things turned out.  Like I said, NOTHING.  I thought I saw her a couple of times when I went back home to see my parents.  So I’d come home and search a little bit.  Nothing.  It was just frustrating.

Tonight I’m just looking some stuff up on the net and decided to try her name in a few places.  BAM!  She’s there.  Phone number and everything.  I’m not gonna call it.  I really have nothing to say to her even after all of these years.  It’s just very peculiar how it happened.  I mean it’s standard phone books and stuff.  Things that had to be there 6 months ago.  She’s all over the place just like the rest of us.

It’s like some kind of wall just broke.

Superstitious and probably bordering on insane but I’ll take it.  I’ll use any excuse to motivate myself.  The bad thing about my ex is that she really never did care if I’m fat or not.  Nobody I know really does.  Now my ex ex…  If I ever bump into her, I’m gonna need to be doing better than this.  I refuse to let her see me like this.  Add to that the fact that my brother just lost 90 pounds and I may be able to finally build some pressure.

Like I said, I’ll take it.

Kevin

Okay, so I swore off meat this week.  It’s not a political statement or anything life altering.  I’ve just come to the realization that I need a certain size of meal to “fill up” whatever it is that I seem to need to “fill up”.  Meat portions are just so.. small?!?  Take out the meat from the equation and it actually takes quite a bit of food to get your daily caloric intake.  I’m cutting out as much processed food as possible, too.  The only tough part is making sure I get in my daily protein and a couple of other things.  I’m supplementing with a couple protein shakes and some other stuff.

Technically, it’s octo-lacto-vegetarian.  I’m allowing for eggs, milk and honey.  Baby steps.

On other news, it seems I’m growing a beard.  Not really.  I just haven’t shaven in a while and I guess that’s the same as growing a beard.  It’s kinda funny how that works.  Kinda like how you can poke at the fat and try to lose it all you want and it still doesn’t work.  Turns out that you’ve gotta do all of this other stuff that seems just so.. unrelated.  I mean, just what does exercising and not eating Luther burgers have to do with buying smaller clothes.  Next thing you’ll tell me is that you can get a runny nose by not washing your hands.  Or that you can become a daddy by drinking too much Jack.  We won’t even get into the rash. 

Ollie ollie oxenfree!  I’m going to bed before I turn into a pumpkin.

First week down, I’m happy with the results.  We’ll see how I do with a full work week next week.

So anyways… I crashed for like 12 hours night.  I think I needed it.  I woke up today feeling sore but awake.  Let’s face it, my schedule is kinda brutal.  As long as people keep worrying about the environment and keep buying ethanol, it ain’t gonna get any less brutal.  I’m not knocking the environment.  I’ve got kids and I’d just as soon leave them a planet worth living on.  It’s just that doing my part to build all of the equipment used to grow all that extra corn is slowly killing me. 

So anyways… …  I woke up today and found myself wide awake. I balanced the checkbook, grabbed a couple hundred bucks and hit the casino.   I was up 400 bucks for a while…  End result $200 became $600 bucks and then became $32 bucks.  It was kind of surreal.  I struck up conversations with people at the first few slots I played.  Then for like the next six hours I kept bumping into one of them.  “Still up?”  “Lost that money yet?”  That kind of thing.  Friends for a day I guess.

I lost 6 hours and almost 200 bucks.  Good thing I’m single, huh?  Otherwise I’d have some ’splaining to do…

It’s been that kinda week.  I got a mis-dialed txt message the other night.  I txted back about it being the wrong number.  I ended up spending an hour and a half txting a woman who lives in my hometown.  She does the same kind of work I do at a place I used to work at.  She’s also almost my age.

You know, I have made a conscious decision that I’m taking a break from the whole wimmenz thing.  I really need to take some me time before I risk getting into another relationship.  Then she txts, “R U married  Im not”.  I beat a hasty but friendly retreat.  I had a friend tell me a while back that I’d never meet someone if I stayed at home.  Boy was she wrong!

These are strange days

Kevin

I made it up at 3am today for my morning workout.  It wasn’t much of a workout.  I did like 10-15 minutes on the treadmill.  It did wake me up, though!  WIDE AWAKE!

I discovered something.  I really don’t like my job.  The pay is good and I’m pretty good at it.  It was supposed to support a family of five on one income.  With the overtime it can definitely do that.  That ship’s sailed and I just feel totally frustrated at work.  I think it’s the monotony combined with the lack of mental stimulation.   Maybe everyone feels like this after working in the same field for 15 years.  I don’t know.

First step is the weight and working on the home front.  Step two may end up being a career change.

The treadmill of doom awaits…

Kevin

I just weighed in.  I started the counter over, but it’s still showing a 25 pound loss.  Well, that ships sailed!  I’m up 2 pounds from when I started this whole thing.  Funny thing is that I don’t feel too bad about it.  I knew my weight was up there somewhere.  For 11 years I have been unable to plan anything.  This is something I planned for.  I set a date and I’m starting over.

I spent most of today feeling strangely melancholic.  I’ve looked back on my own experiences and I’ve been looking at other people’s stories.  It all amounts to the same thing.  It’s about starting a new life.  That means letting the old one go.

It might be different for people who have only been overweight for a few years or for someone who is 10 pounds overweight.  I’m obese.  I’m making a conscious decision that I no longer want to be obese.  In a lot of ways, that means I no longer want to be me.  We are more than just our actions, but our actions do define us to an extent.  What I’m doing just hasn’t been working.  It hasn’t made me the “me” I want to be.

I hit a lot of divorce support boards when I went through my divorce.  The advice you get there over and over again is, “Quit struggling”.  Basically, quit fighting the process.  The hardest part is accepting that it’s over.  There isn’t going to be another romantic dinner.  She isn’t going to call.  The time for talking is over.  Negotiations have ended.  You can’t regain what was lost.  Your old life is over and it’s time to move on.  Just accept it and quit struggling.  There are no miracles or do overs.  It’s just done.

I’m fat.  My old life is what got me here.  It’s time to just let it go.

I started realizing something from watching the Biggest Loser this year.  It’s not the weak willed or the people with the “lack of willpower” that struggle on the show.  It’s always that guy who just refuses to accept the program.  It’s that guy who just cant give it up and admit that he needs to change.  The successful ones leave their egos at the door and say, “Mold me!”  They check so much of their old selves at the door and start fresh.  I loved the episode where Matt went home and ended up at the bar.  He just didn’t fit in.  He’d left that life behind.

So, I spent a lot of today saying goodbye to a lot of things.  I’m putting as much of my ego aside as I can.  I’m following this rather detailed list (series of lists actually) that I made.  Tomorrow, I’m going a little more free form than I will be starting Monday.  I still have the kids and a very full day, and I’ve allowed for that.  I also figured that it would be an opportunity to make me prove to myself that I’m not going to blow it this time.  The new me wouldn’t do that.  Tomorrow night I’m starting back in on the treadmill.   Saturday I’ve got the morning strictly planned but I’m leaving a window open in the afternoon.  It’ll mean counting calories, but I’m going to be eating with the girls.  I’ve picked foods that are easy enough to count.  It shouldn’t be a problem.   I’m also doing one workout on Saturday.  Sunday, I’m pushing fruits and veggies and a lot of water.  I want one final chance to clear out the system.  Since its my only day off, I’m going to try for 2 workouts, just to try it out.  Then Monday, I’m starting the new plan.  By the second week, I would like to have an am and pm workout.  The am just to wake me up.  Nothing serious, just a brisk walk on the treadmill to start the day.  The pm workout is gonna be the serious one.  I’m hoping to move the pm one to a gym as soon as I feel comfortable.  I’ve got a few free weights, but not like they have in a gym.

If this all sounds insane, well, it probably is.  I’ve got a new life to start and I can’t see beating around the bush anymore.  Fake it until you make it.  Act like a winner to be a winner.  etc.  etc.

There’s some kind of a twisted night before Christmas feeling to this right now.  I’m actually looking forward to starting this thing tomorrow.  I’m ready to start something new.

Turn the page.

Kevin

I’m starting over.  I haven’t weighed myself in a month.  I made a judgment call and decided that rather than fail badly, I just wouldn’t play the game this month.  I just figure that we don’t lose until we quit.  I haven’t quit, therefore I win!

Kids are going back to mommy’s on Sunday.  I survived three whole weeks of being a single parent.  Well, I’ve almost survived it!  I’m gonna give myself the benefit of the doubt and plan on making it through the next few days.

I’m gonna weigh myself and start over on Friday.  That’s late enough in the week that I can always phone it in if I need to.  I mean at everything else, not the diet!  Man oh man, I hate that word.  It’s so misleading.  It’s not about diet, it’s about lifestyle.  My brother just lost 90 pounds doing a modified Adkins dealie.  My ex lost 190 pounds last year under weight loss surgery.  Heck, I’ve lost over 80 pounds twice in my life.  Read any of a million stories if you want.  Their only real common denominator tends to be a serious lifestyle change.  Going on a “diet” just isn’t enough.  Live a sedentary lifestyle and it still ain’t a gonna work!

I’ve been getting my upstairs in order.  My brain, not the upstairs upstairs!  I cleaned that like a month or so ago and I think I even put something in a blog about it.  The ex seems to be doing fine with the pace maker.  It’s odd seeing the pictures on her myspace.  You know, the ones with her and her new boyfriend.  I encouraged her on this one.  After she had the drunk thrown in jail, I was glad to see a somewhat decent guy with a job in her life.  I don’t mind my kids being around this one.  I kinda figured that it was better for me to make good and sure we BOTH understood that this bridge was burned.  She did me wrong and I’ll leave it at that.  I’m still not gonna be an a**hole about it.

I’ve also been planning my big start over!  This time I planned everything.  My current goal is to do a ten week challenge with myself.

I read a bunch of surveys and studies about weight loss.  The best of them tended to have at least 30% of the people admitted to cheating.  Now understand, these people were still included in the final results.  Those are just the people who admitted to cheating, too!  So, if you see a study that says one diet had better results than another keep in mind that doesn’t necessarily mean that any of the people actually followed the diet correctly.  Very, very frustrating!

The funny thing about most diets is that they all agree on a lot of things.  Basically, it’s protein/carbs / fats and eat less than you burn and try and get your fiber and your vitamins.  They just push around the various percentages.  The Biggest Loser diet is just a very low calorie diet with an insane amount of working out.  In the end, they should all let you lose weight.  I’m guessing some do work better for some people than others.  Mostly I’d guess, it comes down to whether or not you can get yourself to stick to it faithfully.

I think a lot of diets confuse nutrition and weight loss.  I mean, it’s easy to lose weight.  Just stop eating.  Granted, you’re gonna burn way more muscle than fat and end up one very very sick puppy.  It will work, though.  Go less extreme and just miss out on a few nutrients and vitamins consistently and you may not get sick. Over time, though, your health is gonna suffer.

The main trick is not yo-yoing.  That’s the real problem with crash diets and fad diets.  One day you’re gonna have to maintain and that means eating approximately the right amount of calories to neither gain nor lose weight.  If you’ve been counting calories and dieting sensibly, that just means adding a couple hundred calories or so a day and being done with it.  If you’ve been living off of a grapefruit and a piece of dryer lint for the past 6 months, you’re gonna have to start over from scratch with a brand new diet just to maintain.

That’s why my plan involves an orange and actual DRYER SHEETS!  I may be insane, but I’m not cra… Okay, I’m crazy.  I’m crazy like a fox, a LUNATIC fox!!!

No seriously, I’ve got my calories precounted this time and I have the luxury of having complete control over what is in my fridge.  The hardest part about the food is figuring in food that I can fit around my work schedule.  My breaks are anything but evenly placed.  So, I’ve come up with some veggie packs that I can throw down at the machine if it comes to that.  I’m actually having trouble fitting all this stuff into my lunchbox.  A couple of snickers would fit a whole lot easier!  =)

I’m also seriously considering moving at least some of my workout to the morning.  I think it would help to jump start my metabolism.  My joke at work is that I start work at five but don’t wake up until nine.  I think there may actually be some truth to that.  The only problem is that that’d be a 3am workout.  I am insane, but that is just plain CRAZY!  I seriously think I may be that crazy, though.

The most important thing is that I’m gonna try to follow the plan faithfully and blindly.  I’m only going to weigh myself once a week.  If it doesn’t work, I can always mess with it, but I’ve got to give it at least a week or two.

So, in short.  I’m gonna give myself 10 weeks to see what I can do.  I am a lunatic.  I’m okay with being divorced.  After 8 months of being single, I’m planning on being faithful and on going blind.

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!

Kevin