Non sum qualis eram

I did pretty good today.  Got in the treadmill and avoided the bad stuff.  etc. etc.  Kids are back with their mom.  That was random, as usual.

Our trade off time is around supper time.  It’s an awkward time but it’s the only one that really works.  So, I grabbed more McDonalds for the kids.  They ate ridiculously healthy for the rest of the weekend, so I don’t feel too bad about that.  I survived the drive thru without breaking down.  That worked ok.   Tempting but ok.

I thought the kids were adapting pretty well to things.  Lately my Jenna is the only one who seems to get upset during the drop off.  Well, this time all three went off.  I am proud I stayed strong.  It doesn’t help them any to see me breaking down.

Then I noticed my ex looked kinda down.  Financial problems and health problems.  I’m not surprised.  I’m the one that warned her that being a single mother is hard.  I ended up holding her while she cried on my shoulder.  I’ve done it enough times in the past.  I gave the obligatory “It’ll work out” lies.  Well they’re not lies.  I just really don’t know how her life is gonna turn out at this point.  I got booted off that island.  I’m still paying on the old life that she walked away from.  I just know that even after all of this cr@p I don’t want to see her hurt.

I learned a long time ago that you can’t save people.  On a good day you get to help somebody, but they’ve gotta save themselves.

So anyways, I’m actually proud of myself.  After that I got back in the van and just sat there for a few minutes.  Then I drove the hour home with the combined scent of McDonald’s french fries and her perfume filling the van.  I drove past umpteen gazillion signs for fast food and made it home.

I’m not angry at her anymore.  I think that’s about burnt out of me.  I am a little upset at life in general.  I really wasn’t fair for me to be put in that position.  I shouldn’t have had to be that guy.  I mean, I know I didn’t HAVE TO be that guy but when we’re talking about a hug and a few words, I’m not gonna be a jerk about.  That’s just not who I am.