Non sum qualis eram

Been a weird couple days.  I didn’t blog yesterday.  I had a rotten day.  The day was okay.  I just felt rotten.  I know weight loss and mood swings go hand in hand but this was a doozy!  The kids come home tomorrow and I’m getting edgy.  This four days a month bs isn’t getting any easier.

I stuck with the diet.  I ended up not eating enough in the morning and eating too much a night.  The scale seems to think it worked out okay, though.  I’ll take it.  Down 1.  I think it was the stress.

Today started just as bad.  I was mega stressing by 5:30am.  Nothing good ever comes of any thought that involves “fair” or “shoulda”.  Just a recipe for disaster.  Somewhere during this looooong day I came up with the brilliant idea that I was gonna drive back to my home town and drive by the ex ex’s house.  Nothing creepy, just curiosity.  Basically turn left out of work and go 35 miles the wrong direction.

I ended up driving back to Ottumwa.  I’m proud to say that I didn’t go driving past anybody’s house.  (I still think it’d be the totally natural thing to do.)  Instead I stopped by and saw my Grandma and then driving around for a bit.  The town is barely recognizable as the one I grew up in.  I imagine everybody goes through that.  Things change.  I’ve changed.

Then the strangeness went to into overdrive.  I stopped for gas.  I intentionally went to a strange part of town.  I’m filling the van when an suv pulls up.  I recognized the ponytail for some reason.  Eleven (Twelve?) years later and I actually spotted her hair from across a parking lot.

Filled the tank and went in.  Gotta pay for the stuff.

I’m like 99% sure it was her.  She was actually wearing a long sleeve t-shirt that she used to wear back in the day.  Finally, I’m behind her in the line and she pays for the stuff.  Donuts and junk for her kids.  Really, who am I to judge?  Then she turns and I get the blankest most familiar look ever.  I’m not sure she had a clue what to make of this.  We both look different but I got a definite reaction.  She was all broke out and wasn’t wearing make-up.  I never did care.  I’m sure she was mortified.  On top of that, she never could stand it when something happens and she loses control.

So anyways, she shuffles out with the kids.  I figure I’ll wait until she pulls out, purely out of politeness.  Poor woman looked just plain confused.  After a couple minutes, I figure out that she’s not gonna pull out.  Bamm!  Eleven years and I still know this woman.  She’s still not sure what to make of the whole thing and she’s gonna wait to make sure.  So, I break down and give her her show.  I walk over and  get in the van and take my time about it.  She finally pulls out.  Unfortunately she turns the same way I’m going, so I wait for a couple minutes.  I did the right thing and didn’t go looking for her.  I’m not gonna let her get the wrong idea.  Like I said, NOT CREEPY!

I have no clue why this makes me happy.  Closure, I guess.  I have no idea what I expected.  More animosity, maybe?  I just feel better.  I’ve been curious.  I had an itch I just couldn’t scratch and God threw me a bone.  I’m not dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I’ll take it.

My only regret is that I’m not about a hundred pounds lighter.  I will be, though. Then I think I’m gonna go for another drive.  Maybe this time I’ll say “hi”.  We were friends once upon a time.  We shoulda just stayed friends, though.  I was the dumb*** who fell in love.  Lady’s got issues.

Of course there is also like a 1% chance that it was just a woman that looked like 99% like her.  In which case the look was just some poor lady being creeped out by me.  She could of been sitting in her car cell phone clutched in hand waiting to see whether or not she was gonna have to dial 911 and then quite likely did when I pulled out in the same direction as her…

Naaa.  99% sure it was her.

I was planning on drivethru.  Instead I waited until I got home and ate salad.  Quick protein shake before bed and I’m on track for the day.  No treadmill, but I think sleep is more important at this point.  Quick 11 hour day tomorrow and then the babies are coming home!!!

Prolly 99% nuts at this point,
Kevin