Non sum qualis eram

I lost last week to a week long migraine.  I finally made it in to the doctor’s and found out I had a bp of 186/110.  That’s a wee bit high, even for me.

So, upped the bp meds.  Today I checked it myself and I’m doing better, but it’s still high.  Migraine’s still there if I exert myself.  I’m fighting the urge to push it just so I can check if it’s the bp going up.  There’s a high rate of strokes and heart attacks in my family, so I’m not gonna risk it.  My Mom had a stroke just about this time last year.  She still can’t feel her right side.

Whole thing is frustrating me and that’s not good with the bp.  The follow up appointment with my Dr. is on Teusday.  Work is stressful as always.  So, I’m mainly just pushing through to the weekend and see what happens.

I found this on myspace and it has officially piqued my curiosity.  These two brothers are movie producers.  One of them is 5′9″ and over 300 pounds.  (That’s pretty close to where I’ve restarted at.  I think that’s why it really caught my attention.)  That’s the guy who’s the focus of the documentary.

The premise is this.  He initially went on a 40 day water fast.  It looks an awful lot like a “Supersize Me” type of documentary.  He was under regular doctor supervision.  It sounds like they’re going to be honest about it.  It can’t have went too badly because he ends up going to a 55 day water fast to break the world record.  They’re being pretty hush hush about the results until they release the movie.  I don’t blame them, but they do say that he lasted the 55 days and has filed with the Guinness people for the record.

http://www.myspace.com/facingthefat    The link to the page.

They don’t have a release date, but I’m sure it’ll be all over the papers when (if?) it does finally come out.  So far it’s just listed as coming out in 2008.

I celebrated the end of the first challenge and the beginning of the new one with shish-kabobs.  Yay beef!  It’s been 3 weeks, pretty much as I remember it.

Today I finally got off of my rear end and did stuff around the house that I’ve been putting off.  Crazy stuff like vacuuming and sorting laundry even a haircut.  I’m moving the rooms around again.  Kids need a playroom.  Their stuff gets everywhere in a matter of the 2 days they are here and then I’m still finding stuff a week later.  Kinda  a rude slap in the face at the time.  Yeah, I get it.  They’re gone.

It is nice having the house cleaned up but it feels very much like being all dressed up and having no place to go.  This place just doesn’t feel like a home with just me in it.  It’s just the last place I lived before she left.  Days like today it still feels like I’ve got this empty place inside.  My only saving grace today was the fact that I couldn’t figure out if the empty spot was more candy bar or pizza shaped.  It just wouldn’t do to try and cram in the wrong one.  I settled on french toast for lunch.  Yah.  That crazy bachelor lifestyle!

No worries.  At least these days are getting farther and farther apart.  Tomorrow’s Monday.  It’s easy to find motivation on a Monday.  I just need to make it through the rest of the day without caving in.

Nine weeks into my ten week personal challenge and I’m calling it.  I’m not bailing on it, I just decided that I’ve made so many changes in what I’m doing that it’s probably more appropriate to start a new challenge.  Five weeks until my 36th birthday.  That’s also a much better target.

End result of the nine weeks is that I’m down 21 pounds.  That’s an average of 2 1/3 pounds per week.  I’d say that’s pretty respectable. It’s not Biggest Loser caliber but I’m also not sitting around on a ranch with a personal trainer and no other distractions.  Real life keeps taking precedence.

I really wouldn’t of thought I was doing that good.  Looking around though I can see certain spots that it’s showing in.  My wrists and face are definitely looking a lot different.  Top part of my belly is sinking in, but the bottom part… not so much.  I suppose that’s the price of aging.  Now when I lose it tends to come off kind of all over.  When I gain it heads straight to the ole gut.  I suppose stress plays a part in this, too.

I suppose that just means I’m gonna need to stick it out and lose all of it.

Most importantly, I need to keep up with the journaling.  When I’m jonesing for something, my memory just can’t be trusted.  I’m also sticking with the exercise and the vegetarian thing.   It’s tough keeping the protein up without meat but it’s tougher for me to control my portion sizes with meat.  Main changes I need to make are all upstairs.  I’m still eating something that’s off plan every 2 days.  Luckily we’re not talking massively bad.  I’m down to eating something massively bad once a week.  I would of swore neither of these was that often until I started the journaling.

Spent the morning obsessing about the past.  Keeping your mind occupied is an important part of my job.  The holes were in the right place and the hole pattern was good.  I’ve literally ran 100’s of these parts.   There’s really not much surprise left in ‘em.  So, I kinda let my mind wander.  The past is actually one of the more normal places it’s went. 

My last two exes (which cover pretty much all of my adult relationships) were the same height.  I’m the same height.  One of the shocking things about seeing the ex ex the other week was how SMALL she was.  I mean, I recognized the clothes she was in from when we were together.  I know from pictures I have that we were on a comparable scale.  I guess I never appreciated how small that was for me.

What really kept running through my mind today was the dreaded “What if?”.  What if I wouldn’t have bailed?  What if I would have finished?  At 230 I got my confidence back.  I was reaching the point where just about every pound made a difference.  I’m still not sure what my final weight is gonna be.  I’ve set my current goal for 215 just because that’s about a hundred down from when I started.  It’s also just about the end of what I can even realistically fathom.  Anything beyond that is just unknown territory.

Well today’s obsession was the “What if?”.  I know that there aren’t any “do overs” in life, but I can do the next best thing.  I know I’m getting ahead of myself but I’m actually excited about getting to 215 now.  I wanna see what’s on the other side.  If the low 200’s was that much fun (before the stupidity caught up with me), then how amazing are the sub 200’s?

Ah, whatever.  Main point is that I think I’m actually finding my motivation.  There are worse things than getting to my goal and then finding out the only reason I got there was because I was a complete nutter.  I’ll take it.

Fixed the mower and mowed the lawn, so I’m running late.  I’m off to hit the treadmill.  I should get done with enough time to watch Sweeney Todd.  Hope it doesn’t make me too hungry.  I heard it’s got meat pies in it.

I did pretty good today.  Got in the treadmill and avoided the bad stuff.  etc. etc.  Kids are back with their mom.  That was random, as usual.

Our trade off time is around supper time.  It’s an awkward time but it’s the only one that really works.  So, I grabbed more McDonalds for the kids.  They ate ridiculously healthy for the rest of the weekend, so I don’t feel too bad about that.  I survived the drive thru without breaking down.  That worked ok.   Tempting but ok.

I thought the kids were adapting pretty well to things.  Lately my Jenna is the only one who seems to get upset during the drop off.  Well, this time all three went off.  I am proud I stayed strong.  It doesn’t help them any to see me breaking down.

Then I noticed my ex looked kinda down.  Financial problems and health problems.  I’m not surprised.  I’m the one that warned her that being a single mother is hard.  I ended up holding her while she cried on my shoulder.  I’ve done it enough times in the past.  I gave the obligatory “It’ll work out” lies.  Well they’re not lies.  I just really don’t know how her life is gonna turn out at this point.  I got booted off that island.  I’m still paying on the old life that she walked away from.  I just know that even after all of this cr@p I don’t want to see her hurt.

I learned a long time ago that you can’t save people.  On a good day you get to help somebody, but they’ve gotta save themselves.

So anyways, I’m actually proud of myself.  After that I got back in the van and just sat there for a few minutes.  Then I drove the hour home with the combined scent of McDonald’s french fries and her perfume filling the van.  I drove past umpteen gazillion signs for fast food and made it home.

I’m not angry at her anymore.  I think that’s about burnt out of me.  I am a little upset at life in general.  I really wasn’t fair for me to be put in that position.  I shouldn’t have had to be that guy.  I mean, I know I didn’t HAVE TO be that guy but when we’re talking about a hug and a few words, I’m not gonna be a jerk about.  That’s just not who I am.

I know this ain’t the most manly thing to say, but the moodiness is definitely in full effect.  I’ve resisted posting some comments just because I wasn’t sure whether they’d sound like I meant them or come across as snarky.  I am reading and keeping up on them.  I do care.  It’s just easier to blog.  It’s easier to control what I say and I can even edit it if I end up sounding…  what’s the male version of (rhymes with witchy)?

I got 26 minutes in on the treadmill today.  That was a mile and a half, but I was gunning for at least a half hour.  The kids decided different.  My (almost) 4 year old daughter and my (almost) 5 year old son both had a time out within the first 15 minutes.  Then my youngest (almost 3) decided to get hers in at the 26 minute mark, so I had to finally sort the whole mess out.  I’m proud of them for going to their time outs without me having to stop the treadmill and walk them over.  They are great kids.  They just get jealous when I’m no paying them the full attention they want.  Add in the fact that they don’t get to see as much as me and well… they get sneaky when I’m occupied.  I’m at a stage that I can’t miss my daily exercise.  I’ve finally found some sort of motivation and I don’t wanna blow it.

We had a long talk.  My oldest is at the “why? why?” stage, so I even explained as much as I could about Daddy wanting to exercise and get healthy.  He just learned about germs at school so he seemed to understand what healthy meant.  I’ll see if it sunk in tomorrow.

Tomorrow they go back to their mom’s house and so we have a LOT to do.  I intend to get my treadmill in and we have to do baths sometime between breakfast and lunch.  Baths are usually an issue.  While I’m in with one of them the other two can get distracted.  I laid down the law.  The older two understood.  My oldest really tries.  I have my fingers crossed.  It’s not that they’ll do anything terrible.  There are just a lot of things that we can’t do together until I can quit being a drill sergeant/prison guard while we’re doing it.  They’ve got me outnumbered.

I’ve got a freezer full of frozen grapes.  I love ‘em.  If you try to grab too many they’ll thaw before you get to eat them.  I’ve got these ridiculously small bowls I use for the kids’ snacks.  Frozen grapes are officially they’re favorite snack now.  Biggest issue was finding out that I had some apples that were going bad.  Not bruised or anything.  They really had no taste left.  I definitely gotta have apples the next time their here.  JT’s got a memory like an elephant.  I promised and he’ll never let me live it down.

Made vegetarian taco salads for supper.  Just replace the beef with morning star crumbles.  Kid wolfed on it.  I even asked if they wanted it again and they all did.  Win!  I’m making sure to buy meat when the kids are here.  It’s kind of nice to be able to eat the same thing they do.  If what I’m eating doesn’t at least look like what they’re eating my two  (almost three!) year old wont eat it.  She gives me the funniest look and just kind of pokes at it.  Maybe she thinks I’m trying to poison her, I dunno.  More likely she just thinks I’m getting the good stuff.   I really dunno.

I love cooking when the kids are there.  No matter what I’m chopping up, they’ll eat it.  Green peppers, broccoli or even white onions.  I have never heard of kids that age that’ll eat raw white onions but my kids love ‘em.

Dream.  Anything is possible.

First off, goal for the weekend is not to bounce.  I keep putting weight on and then taking it back off over the course of the week.  Not gonna do it!

I had a pretty good day.  I think I’m finally finding my motivation and my weight loss stride.  Today wasn’t so much a diet as that I didn’t feel like eating a bunch.  Only tempting part was when I picked up the kids and had to get them McDonalds on the way home.  (yah, yah!  I know it’s bad for them.  The rest of the weekend, it’s fruits for snacks and healthy meals.  I promise.)  I was soooo tempted.  Considering that McDonalds even puts beef in their french fries, though, I avoided it and waited until I got home.  Yay team!

I’ve got a busy weekend planned with them so I will not be on much.  I don’t post in the forums, but I DO read them.  I promise.  I’ve gotta get on the treadmill now.  If I drag butt too much longer I wont do it.  I’m gonna be up half the night as it is afterwards, but I really have to use this motivation while I have it.  It’s the strangest thing.  Once upon a time I actually just had better things to do than eat.  I actually WANT to do the treadmill right now.  I hope this lasts.

The rest of this is something I’ve been working on in a text file.  I’m copy and pasting it.  It’s a list of my goals and why they’re my goals.  My motivation at work.

I’ve lost some of the weight many, many times.  I’ve most of it a few times.  I’ve lost most of it twice.  This is from what I remember.

300 pounds:  Unnacceptable.  Basically my current weight give or take.  I honestly believe in my heart of hearts I’m not gonna make 40 at this weight.  Tieing my shoes takes longer than it should and all kinds of other goodies too.  This is my unnacceptable weight.  The 3’s gotta go and they ain’t a coming back.  Right now my back hurts at the end of the day.  I’m careful.  If I wasn’t I imagine I could get laid up pretty quick.  I think the whole belly to butt ratio is off and when I lift things it really pulls on my back.  Even a few pounds at this point is noticable on my face.  Between the goat and a practically mutant underbite  any double chin is covered easily.  Down a pant size around 295 or so, but I’m so pudgy and wiggly that it really doesn’t matter so much.   (42)

275 pounds:Human.  This is bad but honest.  This is the weight I remember actually being comfortable in public at.  Literally, this is the weight where I feel like I rejoin the human race.  Most of the weight until this point comes straight of my belly.  The back pain goes away at this point unless I’m stupid and actually lift wrong or overdo it.  My stomach is usually very sore by this point.  I think that’s from it going from an outie to and innie.  I’m assuming that means that I’ve lost some visceral fat at this point.  I think these are the most critical pound for my health.  Down a pant size between 275 and 270.  (40)

250 pounds:Shoulda been/Grandbabies.  This should have been my top weight.  I never shoulda went over it.  My gut (and it is a truly impressive gut) instinct is that this is the weight that I’m gonna need to achieve if I wanna actually know my grandbabies.  Heart disease runs rampant in my family and most of the ones I know about weren’t all that overweight.  Somewhere between 275 and 250 the weight shifts to a more overall rather than localized loss.  It makes it hard to spot the difference but looks a lot better.  Until now, it kinda looks like I could just be sucking it all in.  Again, down a pant size right under 250.  (38)

230 pounds:Living.  I could happily live at 230.  It’s a lot, but my frame can support it.  With the job and all I actually carry quite a bit of muscle.  This is the weight where I seem to get accepted into the human race by most people.  I am hefty or big, but (at least in the midwest) no longer considered fat by most people.  My confidence kicks in under 230 and I find myself socializing a lot more.  This is the weight where I’ve had the most fun at.  Both times I made it this far, though, I wasn’t ready for the attention and suddenly having to deal with the attention.  Another pants size at around 225.  Pants start to feel tight in the thighs or buttocks rather than the waist. (36)

215 pounds:Here there be dragons.  My jaw gets kinda angular.  It finally starts to show in my legs.  Changes in clothing size are erratic.  If the weight comes off the thighs or buttocks, then I drop a pants size.  If it comes off the chest I go down a shirt size.  Moobs are a MAJOR concern at this point!  I have made it down to 205 once.  I did it the wrong way and just didn’t feel good.  I was dumped unceremoiniously and things basically fell apart.  I really have no clue what to expect at this point.  Of course, I wasn’t keeping up on my nutrition.  I’m gonna have to figure out what I’m doing at this point.  I look forward to worrying about it!  =)   (34?  I’m assuming, but I never actually bought them.  I was occupied.)

200 pounds:  Impossible.  Deep in my heart I know that I just can’t break 200.  That’s exactly why I intend to.  Beyond that,  I really don’t know or care.  Like I said, at this point I’d be happy with 230.

Anything is possible.

Been a weird couple days.  I didn’t blog yesterday.  I had a rotten day.  The day was okay.  I just felt rotten.  I know weight loss and mood swings go hand in hand but this was a doozy!  The kids come home tomorrow and I’m getting edgy.  This four days a month bs isn’t getting any easier.

I stuck with the diet.  I ended up not eating enough in the morning and eating too much a night.  The scale seems to think it worked out okay, though.  I’ll take it.  Down 1.  I think it was the stress.

Today started just as bad.  I was mega stressing by 5:30am.  Nothing good ever comes of any thought that involves “fair” or “shoulda”.  Just a recipe for disaster.  Somewhere during this looooong day I came up with the brilliant idea that I was gonna drive back to my home town and drive by the ex ex’s house.  Nothing creepy, just curiosity.  Basically turn left out of work and go 35 miles the wrong direction.

I ended up driving back to Ottumwa.  I’m proud to say that I didn’t go driving past anybody’s house.  (I still think it’d be the totally natural thing to do.)  Instead I stopped by and saw my Grandma and then driving around for a bit.  The town is barely recognizable as the one I grew up in.  I imagine everybody goes through that.  Things change.  I’ve changed.

Then the strangeness went to into overdrive.  I stopped for gas.  I intentionally went to a strange part of town.  I’m filling the van when an suv pulls up.  I recognized the ponytail for some reason.  Eleven (Twelve?) years later and I actually spotted her hair from across a parking lot.

Filled the tank and went in.  Gotta pay for the stuff.

I’m like 99% sure it was her.  She was actually wearing a long sleeve t-shirt that she used to wear back in the day.  Finally, I’m behind her in the line and she pays for the stuff.  Donuts and junk for her kids.  Really, who am I to judge?  Then she turns and I get the blankest most familiar look ever.  I’m not sure she had a clue what to make of this.  We both look different but I got a definite reaction.  She was all broke out and wasn’t wearing make-up.  I never did care.  I’m sure she was mortified.  On top of that, she never could stand it when something happens and she loses control.

So anyways, she shuffles out with the kids.  I figure I’ll wait until she pulls out, purely out of politeness.  Poor woman looked just plain confused.  After a couple minutes, I figure out that she’s not gonna pull out.  Bamm!  Eleven years and I still know this woman.  She’s still not sure what to make of the whole thing and she’s gonna wait to make sure.  So, I break down and give her her show.  I walk over and  get in the van and take my time about it.  She finally pulls out.  Unfortunately she turns the same way I’m going, so I wait for a couple minutes.  I did the right thing and didn’t go looking for her.  I’m not gonna let her get the wrong idea.  Like I said, NOT CREEPY!

I have no clue why this makes me happy.  Closure, I guess.  I have no idea what I expected.  More animosity, maybe?  I just feel better.  I’ve been curious.  I had an itch I just couldn’t scratch and God threw me a bone.  I’m not dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I’ll take it.

My only regret is that I’m not about a hundred pounds lighter.  I will be, though. Then I think I’m gonna go for another drive.  Maybe this time I’ll say “hi”.  We were friends once upon a time.  We shoulda just stayed friends, though.  I was the dumb*** who fell in love.  Lady’s got issues.

Of course there is also like a 1% chance that it was just a woman that looked like 99% like her.  In which case the look was just some poor lady being creeped out by me.  She could of been sitting in her car cell phone clutched in hand waiting to see whether or not she was gonna have to dial 911 and then quite likely did when I pulled out in the same direction as her…

Naaa.  99% sure it was her.

I was planning on drivethru.  Instead I waited until I got home and ate salad.  Quick protein shake before bed and I’m on track for the day.  No treadmill, but I think sleep is more important at this point.  Quick 11 hour day tomorrow and then the babies are coming home!!!

Prolly 99% nuts at this point,
Kevin

Finished the lawn with the push mower.  It’s better exercise anyway.  I win.

I’ve let 300# become some kind of mental block.  So my goal for the week is to hit my first mini goal, 299#.  I just wanna leave the 300#s behind.  Mark it up as a chapter of my life that I never should have let happen in the first place.  I’m getting ahead of myself I know but I’m already trying to think of how far I want to set the next mini goal.  10# would be safest but I’d love to go for 20#.  Oh well, gotta get there first.