Non sum qualis eram

I just weighed in.  I started the counter over, but it’s still showing a 25 pound loss.  Well, that ships sailed!  I’m up 2 pounds from when I started this whole thing.  Funny thing is that I don’t feel too bad about it.  I knew my weight was up there somewhere.  For 11 years I have been unable to plan anything.  This is something I planned for.  I set a date and I’m starting over.

I spent most of today feeling strangely melancholic.  I’ve looked back on my own experiences and I’ve been looking at other people’s stories.  It all amounts to the same thing.  It’s about starting a new life.  That means letting the old one go.

It might be different for people who have only been overweight for a few years or for someone who is 10 pounds overweight.  I’m obese.  I’m making a conscious decision that I no longer want to be obese.  In a lot of ways, that means I no longer want to be me.  We are more than just our actions, but our actions do define us to an extent.  What I’m doing just hasn’t been working.  It hasn’t made me the “me” I want to be.

I hit a lot of divorce support boards when I went through my divorce.  The advice you get there over and over again is, “Quit struggling”.  Basically, quit fighting the process.  The hardest part is accepting that it’s over.  There isn’t going to be another romantic dinner.  She isn’t going to call.  The time for talking is over.  Negotiations have ended.  You can’t regain what was lost.  Your old life is over and it’s time to move on.  Just accept it and quit struggling.  There are no miracles or do overs.  It’s just done.

I’m fat.  My old life is what got me here.  It’s time to just let it go.

I started realizing something from watching the Biggest Loser this year.  It’s not the weak willed or the people with the “lack of willpower” that struggle on the show.  It’s always that guy who just refuses to accept the program.  It’s that guy who just cant give it up and admit that he needs to change.  The successful ones leave their egos at the door and say, “Mold me!”  They check so much of their old selves at the door and start fresh.  I loved the episode where Matt went home and ended up at the bar.  He just didn’t fit in.  He’d left that life behind.

So, I spent a lot of today saying goodbye to a lot of things.  I’m putting as much of my ego aside as I can.  I’m following this rather detailed list (series of lists actually) that I made.  Tomorrow, I’m going a little more free form than I will be starting Monday.  I still have the kids and a very full day, and I’ve allowed for that.  I also figured that it would be an opportunity to make me prove to myself that I’m not going to blow it this time.  The new me wouldn’t do that.  Tomorrow night I’m starting back in on the treadmill.   Saturday I’ve got the morning strictly planned but I’m leaving a window open in the afternoon.  It’ll mean counting calories, but I’m going to be eating with the girls.  I’ve picked foods that are easy enough to count.  It shouldn’t be a problem.   I’m also doing one workout on Saturday.  Sunday, I’m pushing fruits and veggies and a lot of water.  I want one final chance to clear out the system.  Since its my only day off, I’m going to try for 2 workouts, just to try it out.  Then Monday, I’m starting the new plan.  By the second week, I would like to have an am and pm workout.  The am just to wake me up.  Nothing serious, just a brisk walk on the treadmill to start the day.  The pm workout is gonna be the serious one.  I’m hoping to move the pm one to a gym as soon as I feel comfortable.  I’ve got a few free weights, but not like they have in a gym.

If this all sounds insane, well, it probably is.  I’ve got a new life to start and I can’t see beating around the bush anymore.  Fake it until you make it.  Act like a winner to be a winner.  etc.  etc.

There’s some kind of a twisted night before Christmas feeling to this right now.  I’m actually looking forward to starting this thing tomorrow.  I’m ready to start something new.

Turn the page.

Kevin